random thoughts.

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• I want to be a more patient mom.
I find myself losing patience very easily. Olivia was eating Cheerios tonight and threw most of them on the floor… it was really making me angry because I repeatedly asked her to stop throwing food on the floor. as easy as Cheerios are to sweep up!
I find myself quickly becoming angry with her for hiding when I say it’s time to change her diaper. or when she begs for food but pushes it away when I try to feed her. or when she takes her socks off a million times when we are out and about and it’s chilly outside.

•I want to keep my promises.
I am easily angered and I find that that makes Olivia anxious and hyper. when I am stressed or angry, she starts to have her own anxieties. tonight, she woke up with her teeth hurting and I instantly was annoyed. I was trying to comfort her and she kept pinching me and pushing me away. I was annoyed because she wouldn’t let me comfort her and she wouldn’t go back to sleep after an hour of being beat up – me, not her.
my sister was laying with us and she was so calm and her voice was so soothing. she kept reassuring Olivia that it was okay. she kept rubbing her back even though Olivia turned over and over. finally, Madison told Olivia to lay down so she could hold her and Olivia laid down. she was so still and she snuggles right up to Madison.
it completely slapped me in the face and broke my heart. if I was just more patient with her… she would have snuggled with me.

I keep promising myself that tomorrow will be a new day and that I’ll be more patient…. but I fail every time.

• I want to be more easy going
• I want to be happier
• I want to make the people around me, especially my children, feel happy and secure.

I just want to be an overall better person for my family. for myself. I’m not healthy.

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